Kimberly 0 Report post Posted December 21, 2004 I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Alabama on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As a part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks so keep that in mind. However, your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. While he shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, there are a few differences between us: 1. There is no danger of the Grinch's stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gunrack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a Mountain Dew and pork rinds (or a Moon Pie) on the fireplace. Although Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, he does dip a little snuff, so please han an empty spit-can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by a floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of lending him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now hangs over Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen...," when Bubba arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Gordon, on Elliott, and Petty." 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard dat!" 6. As required by Sourthern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and It's a Wonderful Life will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see Ernest Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. 8. Finally, Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. Merry Christmas to All, Santa Claus Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
