One for MC

[Adam King (MI) 1]

Hurricane Season Tips - If you live in or near Florida

 

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're

going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob

out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:

 

(1) There is no need to panic.

 

(2) We could all be killed.

 

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new

to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for

the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our

experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane

preparedness plan:

 

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least

three days.

 

STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

 

STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

 

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this

sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start

with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

 

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this

insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic

requirements:

 

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

 

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

 

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that

might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer

not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to

pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance

business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an

insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to

the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop

you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated

27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and

Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to

my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

 

SHUTTERS:

 

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the

doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are

several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

 

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,

they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,

they will fall off.

 

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get

them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands

will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

 

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and

will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have

to sell your house to pay for them.

 

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane

protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand

hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He

lives in Nebraska.

 

HURRICANE PROOF YOUR PROPERTY:

 

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like

barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You

should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you

don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).

Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

 

EVACUATION ROUTE:

 

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route

planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at

your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.)

 

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in

your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a

gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred

thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

 

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

 

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them

now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible

minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with

strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

 

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

 

(1) 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out,

when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights

 

(2) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what

the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)

 

(3) 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant

 

(4) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a

hurricane, but it looks cool.)

 

(5) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask

anyone who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate

alligators.)

 

(6) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you

can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

 

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,

it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on

your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next

to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for

everybody to stay away from the ocean.

 

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.

[MichaelC 160]

8.5/10. Nice score, dude. The judges were favorably impressed.

It would have been a 9/10. However, with yet another damn hurricane bearing down on us as I write this, there aren't too many folks in these parts with much of a sense of humor left. I am the exception and take delight at flirtations with impending doom and destruction.

Bring it on, Jeanne! Give me your best shot, woman!!

Have a look at that storm track below. This one is doing 180's out in the Atlantic in a desperate attempt to do me harm. Hah!

[Mr.B 0]

Mr.B <------------------- Lives in Florida. :ph34r:

[grannyguru 0]

Tell Jeanne:

 

Hurricanes don't work in your area!!!!!!

 

 

Tell her: violate that rule, and she'll hafta face me!

 

da mudderlaw

[-Tony- 0]

I heard florida was changing their marketing slogan from the Sunshine State to the "Plywood State"

[MichaelC 160]

I heard florida was changing their marketing slogan from the Sunshine State to the "Plywood State"

BWAHAHAHAHA! I hadn't heard that one yet! Yeah, this one seems to be bearing down right on my head this time. I mean, how many near misses can one guy have? Charley, Frances, and Ivan all missed me. Jeanne must have a lil' something in store for us. Oh, well, another lost weekend, hangin' indoors in the dark with cabin fever and a liquor cabinet. See ya all on the other side.....

[MichaelC 160]

Man, oh man! Dodged another bullet! Jeanne made landfall about 85 miles north of us, and hit Stuart, Florida......which is the exact location of where Frances hit! Can't imagine what those folks are going through right now.

Damage here was minimal. Maybe 60 miles per hour winds, a few inches of rain, and some leaves and small branches left to clean up. Heck, even Patches, (that's my too-tough-for-her-own-good feline), braved the storm for a while outside.

Oh, well, as I write this there are no named storms or tropical depressions on any of the meteorological maps. Time to ease into a nice Florida fall, break out the autumn wardrobe, and cope with daytime temps in the low 80's. :ph34r:

[grannyguru 0]

Just shows ya: I'm pretty scary!

 

Glad to hear you are still with us!

 

 

Off to call FRBO and FSBO.... in Canada and elsewhere.

 

Got one here to call again this afternoon.

 

 

Alice

[Adam King (MI) 1]

Well, looks like MC's laughing last about the weather. A dear friend of mine in FL passed away on Sat and I should be heading down there ASAP for the funeral.

Adam

 

One for the road

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some

cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

 

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, " Lord have mercy, I can't

give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll

throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband

in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't

 

tell me you had a prescription."

[MichaelC 160]

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't

tell me you had a prescription."